My take on boundaries

Boundaries. We all know we need to have them, but do we have boundaries? If you’re a people pleaser, a go-getter, someone who has great difficulty saying NO, always taking on all the work and always being on standby no matter what, you might need to start practicing setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries can serve many different purposes, from preserving your energy to teaching others how you want to be treated. “A boundary is an invisible line you draw around yourself to identify what is acceptable behavior, and what is unacceptable behavior,” explains psychotherapist Linda Esposito. “Some people love boundaries because they represent structure, order and rules. Others see limits as an unyielding set of laws where there are no grey areas, only black and white. A critical part of a healthy psyche is deciding on the right tension for your life.”

Know your boundaries

Boundaries exist in a myriad of forms and there is certain not only one kind. The following boundaries and the questions you can ask yourself surrounding each of them was outlined well in a recent post I came across on the psych_today Instagram account:

Physical boundaries

• What is an acceptable distance between you and others? How comfortable are you with affection?

Mental boundaries

• Are you capable of having an open mind? Are you defensive, rigid or combative?

Emotional boundaries

• Do you try to “fix” other people’s problems or take the blame when other people get upset?

Moral boundaries

• Do you know what behaviors align with your core values? Do you reject those that don’t?

Sexual boundaries

• Do you understand your comfort level around intimacy and sexual behavior?

How to build healthy boundaries in relationships

Do you ever feel like other people keep encroaching on your personal space or take up too much of your time? “Having clear boundaries is essential to a balanced life and healthy relationships,” says Esposito.

Here’s how you can build healthy boundaries in your relationships, whether professional or romantic:

1. Know what you stand for and what you value

2. Practice saying “no” to others, calmly and confidently

3. Seek reciprocal relationships. Ask yourself what you’re willing to give, and what you need to get.

4. Reject excessive fear or guilt related to what other people think about you.

5. Don’t over-explain yourself. Communicate with clarity, confidence and brevity

6. Wait on important decisions. Don’t make them when you’re stressed, tired, hungry or emotional

7. Think small. If asserting your limits is difficult for you, take small steps and build up from there.
   

Other general ways of setting boundaries

• Recognise that you might feel guilty. This is a common reaction after training yourself that “boundaries are mean”.

• Learn your limits - how much of something is healthy for you?

• Use a neutral tone

• State the boundary and then the need

• Be brief and to the point

• Remember their reaction is their stuff

How does a lack of healthy boundaries manifest?

1. Your relationships tend to be difficult or dramatic.

The less boundaries you set, the more you give others a signal that you don’t know how to take care of yourself. This leaves you open to attracting will people who want to control you. At some point, you might secretly begin to control the other person too. As a result, you are constantly in co-dependent relationships and friendships that lack an equal exchange of give and take. The worst case scenario for not setting boundaries within relationships is ending up on the receiving end of some form of abuse.

2. You find decision making a real challenge.

Without healthy boundaries you can end up spending so much of your life doing what others want that you lose a sense of self. This means you often don’t know what you do or don’t want. Faced with a decision, you blank.

3. You really hate to let other people down.

People without boundaries tend to go along with other people’s plans, or worry about letting other people down to the extent that they just say yes. Perhaps you’ve been called a ‘people pleaser’.

4. You are often tired for no apparent reason.

Always doing what others want means you are left to cram your own life in the time leftover, which is exhausting. But never identifying and pursuing your own dreams in life can also cause a sense of fatigue, as it can cause mild depression. Setting boundaries, on the other hand, tends to be energising.

5. Your radar is off when it comes to sharing.

Lacking personal boundaries can lead to over sharing private details of your life with people you just met, leaving you open to hurt and manipulation. Conversely, it can lead to not sharing enough with those who are trying to get close to you because you don’t know how to share your needs and wants and might suffer intimacy issues.

6. You often wonder who you really are.

Even if you don’t realise it, you are probably often doing what others want instead of what you want, and basing your opinion of yourself on what others think of you. After many years of this (and if it is a behaviour you learned from a parent, it could even be a lifetime) it’s not uncommon to have a limited or too fluid sense of self. It’s likely that you are unclear on your purpose in life, or perhaps struggle to set goals. You might even have somewhat of an identity crisis.

7. Your secret fear is of being rejected or abandoned.

Lacking boundaries can often be traced back to a childhood where you took on the message that to not do what others want you to do results in being rejected or abandoned. As a child, attention and love are necessary to your personal growth, so back then it might have worked to not set boundaries and do what you were told in order to get what love you could.

Of course as an adult this can mean you have a backward belief that to be boundary-less will lead to love. Instead, it tends to lead to difficult relationships and loneliness.

In short, don’t back up on your boundary. Don’t debate, don’t criticize and don’t over-explain. Setting boundaries is the ultimate form of self-care and self-love.